Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Almost Here

Baby Vincent Ray is almost here. I'll be induced on Thursday. I'm at 40 weeks and have been measuring big. I'd like to go into labor tonight, but if not induction can be a blessing!

So, at times I am second guessing this name-Vincent Ray-I like it, but it is just hard to get used to. I think it is hard to wrap your head around the fact that a new life is coming--who is Vincent Ray? What will he be like? How will he be like his brothers and how will he be different? Will he be our last one, or could I endure another pregnancy? Would it be right to ask myself to? Does Josh care? Does Heavenly Father?
Gee. So much to consider.
I am so thankful that I can have kids and be pregnant. You know 15 percent of couples can't get pregnant? It makes me sad.
And a large percent of children need parents. Josh and I have often talked about adoption when our boys get older. Maybe that is when the daughters will come. Or maybe, just when the boys marry and I get some in-laws and grand daughters.
Okay, back to Vincent. In a few short days he'll be here. Am I ready to take on this responsibility? Perhaps it is 'cause the first three came so close (in 3 years) that this over a 4 year gap seems huge. It's no secret I struggle with the newborn phase. The crying and all the troubles I have with nursing. And then no sleep. I feel selfish-but this is a phase I wish I could skip. Still, this time only one child will be in a diaper-not three! I think this is going to make a difference.
I wonder...
who will he look like:
Orlando-long and skinny at birth jet black hair, slightly jaundice.
Ivan-my Hmong child-he seriously looked Chinese-so squished from the birth canal, more jaundice, and huge-just an ounce shy of 10 lbs and 23 inches!! So long he couldn't fit into several outfits. Hair lighter than Lando's went blond and now is strawberry blond, if not just a red head in the summer.
Ammon-Squishy and blond--still squishy and blond. Big, cute and content.

Vincent??? And then personality wise-will he be smart and sensitive like Orlando? A peace maker and detail oriented like Ivan-or a jokester and cuddle bug like Ammon?
Will he be a Lego boy or a sports boy? Or all together something else?

What challenges will he bring? What joy?

This is the most rambling post ever. Perhaps I should have written in my journal-journal and not my blog, but oh well. Now you know my thoughts.
Just wondering-who is Vincent and how will I do at being his mom? I just feel the weight of that responsibility. I really want to do right by all my children. I get nervous. I feel so much responsibility-Josh says when Lando was born I was super-super protective. I suppose I was. It was a mothering instinct. You want to know where and how your child is---it is----well, I suppose it is called motherhood and a bond I believe to be one of the strongest in the world.
I'm looking forward to meeting and bonding with Vincent Ray--to being a mother.

1 comment:

Tasha said...

You are a great mother Lara!!! Vincent will be wonderful just like your other boys and a wonderful addition to our McElderry family!